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My Journey Back from an Eating Disorder

In honor of national eating disorder week, I feel compelled to share a little about my story. I suffered from an eating disorder from early adolescence all the way until my late 20s. I found recovery after attending an inpatient eating disorder clinic for 16 weeks. Since then, I have been in recovery. Not every day looks like I’m in recovery, but I can proudly say that these days, most do!


Somedays I slide back into old thoughts which translate into disordered behaviors, but only for a bit and then I get myself back into check. Thankfully, I have a strong support system who notice the signs and can keep me in check before behaviors become habits again. I am at a restored weight and I feel good most days. Somedays the anorexia voice comes back and tells me that I am enormous and completely worthless, but I just tell that voice to be quiet and hold on tightly with love until she goes away.


It took me a lot of therapy to get healthy again. This was all before I found my spirituality, so at first it was a lonely journey. But, my spiritual journey has been what has helped me stay in a recovery mindset instead of getting sick again. My spirituality reminds me that we are not alone, teaches me to let go of control, and to love myself for exactly what I am- inside and out. I use self Reiki on myself on the bad days and it helps soothe the voices to a whisper until I no longer hear them. I know that I am worthy now. When I starved myself I truly believed I was not worthy of being fed. Over the last seven years in recovery I have gone from a state of self loathing to a of loving state of self acceptance.


This quote is a great description of how I got healthy, “To stay in recovery, you must be responsible for finding your own motivation. Remember, motivation may not be easy to come by at first. It will probably be a very small, timid part inside of you. When you find it, let that part be in charge. Let the minority rule and lead you to a life you never dreamed was possible” (Jenni Schaefer). In the beginning I was almost “forced” to get help. I was in complete denial. But then I slowly came around to the idea and threw myself into therapy. Uncovering root causes and wounds that were fueling the eating disorder took away its power and helped me find freedom.


If you’re struggling with an eating disorder I want to first, send a virtual hug your way. Second, please seek help. The havoc it can cause in your life is never ending and you deserve help. Your body is yearning for help. I have two autoimmune diseases that are most likely symptoms of my past eating disorder and am still working on healing today. Please don’t wait to seek help. Find a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. If you need a center or referral, start with The Emily Program or Melrose Center in Minnesota (they take out of state residents). Third, give yourself a hug. Fourth, seek healing in more ways than one! Therapy saved me. But in my recovery I have found that spirituality keeps me going. The healing I’ve done via spiritual modalities has made an immense difference in my life. Take a holistic approach in healing yourself, your body, your mind & your precious heart.


Inner child healing has helped me immensely as well as DBT. I truly know what it feels like to be drowning in the chaotic, messy storm of an eating disorder. I also know how it feels to finally grab onto the rope and pull yourself up from the depths and back into the light. Hope is possible you just have to adjust your lens and reach for the rope.


I am here for any of you that may be struggling. Thanks for reading about my journey.


Love yourself and your body. 🤍


Xoxo


Bailee

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