I am proud to call myself a healer. I am also proud to admit that I am still healing, lots of it. I am a basket case half the time yet I know I have a lot to offer, a light that can help others heal. We heal together. We are all students and teachers for one another. These next few words are a raw piece from myself and my inner most thoughts while navigating depression. I wrote this back in Aug 2022 and decided not to write it. It's now April 2023 and I finally wrote the ending (marked with a 🧚🏼♂️below indicating the "ending" or addition that I just wrote in April 2023)🌙
Wrote the ending on 🌎 Earth Day- after attending a very beautiful & moving spiritual event in St. Paul .
I feel called and in my element when I am helping others heal. I feel like I am living in my purpose when I am playing my sound bowls for others and sending Reiki to people. I teach Reiki to others. I love helping others open to their spirituality and find their own healing paths. I feel on fire when I work on healing myself too. So proud of myself when I work on my shadow and uncover a layer that needs healing.
But then something happens to my entire essence. I get swallowed up by a massive cloud and it causes my entire view of the world to become blurry, hard to reach, and intensely overwhelming. It happens in a moments time and I never know how long it’ll be until the cloud begins to lift. My brain slows. My body feels like there is cement running through my veins. My stomach feels empty and hallow no matter how much I eat. My fingers hurt. My brain spins. I try to find the answer, the lesson, the trigger, the reason- but I’m lost in the cloud and unable to come up with an answer. So it swallows me up harder and then the shame sets in. I scold myself for letting the house get messy, for being so negative, for not performing my best at work, for feeling disconnected from my children. I blame myself for being stuck in the cloud.
The actions I take to swipe the cloud away won’t seem to work. Meditations, walks, showers, journals, reiki sessions, why doesn’t anything work?
Then I make the tragic decision to stop trying since nothing seems to work.
That's the hardest part for me.
A. Numbness. Sets. In.
Numbness or repression or disassociation or apathy. Whatever you want to call it.
It's not a great way to be alive.
Don't give up.
That's what I need to hear sometimes.
I hear it in my daughter's giggle, it snaps me back to reality.
Or my mom's intuitive, "how are you, Bailee." And I realize she already knows where I'm at.
I remember I am loved.
Or in my daughter's question about who God is and why, calling me in to a magical conversation.
Or my fiancés tighter than usual hug.
Or my puppy's sweet and obnoxiously fierce kisses.
Or my daughter/ mommy alone time that opens my heart in a moment.
Or sometimes it's that one event you felt called to going to & the universe told you exactly what you needed to hear.
That one friend who reminded you of who you truly are.
That you are loved.
You are worthy of good.
You are forgiven.
You are needed.
You are perfect just because you're you.
We all are.
Even in our darkest moments.
We just have to keep trying.
cuz, look what the cards say: Here comes the sun ☀️