I am choosing to call the recent turmoil of events, “my fall.” Because I fell. I collapsed . My body was too heavy and I had to sleep. It was the only thing I could handle for a few weeks. This was back in April 2024.
You see, I took my energy for granted. What would happen to your life if one day you woke up and your brain forgot how to function, your body feels like cement has replaced the blood, and your heart feels like an elephant is sitting on it? Would you be able to keep everything running and under control?
I wasn’t.
My life as I knew it felt over. It was such a heavy burden to carry, so much imaginary grief there. So yeah, I almost literally, fell. I could only stay awake for a few hours at a time and I’d need a break in the middle of doing dishes. (Dishes are my favorite chore, btw ). I thought I was going crazy for sure, because I couldn’t understand emails anymore. I was easily confused and started questioning myself. My grandmother just died and she had dementia, and I was worried I was experiencing early onset dementia. Yes, I told myself these were intrusive thoughts & realized this new state of existence probably had something related to my autoimmunes that I had been ignoring for years. I have two autoimmunes as a foundation to the story. That’s for another time tho).
My metaphorical fall actually happened the same week as my long awaited appointment with a new integrative doctor. The doctor ordered loads and loads of labs and we waited over the weekend. Waited, aka, slept. Another detail for the story is I was also put on FMLA leave at my corporate job for the time being. All. I. Did. Was. Sleep.
Labs roll in … sure enough there are some issues. That’s for another time. But my physical deficiencies were presenting themselves as severe fatigue, cognitive decline, intense joint and muscle pain, and exhaustion. I slowly regained my strength and am back at work part time. I am not where I want to be yet, but have come so far.
I have loads more labs to do and we have plenty of theories. Feeling more hopeful these days.
The fall and slowly rising journey has been tremendously difficult for me, but I have been so blessed to have beautiful and generous souls in my life and am doing pretty well!
Let’s talk about those things that actually helped during this physical breakdown I experienced!
Patience - not expecting me to “snap out of it”
anytime soon. Trust me, I was trying and it wasn’t easy ! It will get better tho, it’s gotta and it is.
Understanding or even just hearing me- letting me vent , relating to me in return. Not gaslighting my entire physical experience during this time in my life.
Listening and not fixing- yes. Sometimes a human just wants to be heard!
Compassion- tell me you feel for me cuz this shit is hard!
Energy healing and Crystal Healing - I got 2 Crystal Healings from a wonderful healer that really encouraged my healing to progress. I was also gifted a two hour Thai massage session !! Numerous friends and students sent me Reiki. The energy healing has definitely been supporting my own healing journey/treatments.
Sleep - so much friggin sleep- let a girl sleep!
Supplements (always test first!)- again, always test first and take guidelines from a trained medical professional always.
“I hear you”- yup.
Friend paid for a house cleaner- a beautiful woman in my life sent me a Venmo after listening to me cry about my journey with health battles. She blessed the entire family again with this one because I was not cleaning like I normally was able to! Thank you my love!
Friend offered to clean- and she babysat my kids and cleaned for me. Seriously, get yourself a tribe.
Sat with me as I am without expecting me to be “me”- she said it’s okay, you’re safe to be exactly as you are. I felt that one deep in a rejuvenating way.
What didn’t help?
This is a harder question for me and I think any intentional attempt to help someone who is struggling is received well, even if it’s not effective! I still see compassion in their advice or opinions even if they are not relatable to my situation.
But, I do have one thing that should be avoided at absolutely all costs. And that’s, toxic positivity.
So a phrase such as be positive or be grateful, when that person is seriously struggling is a big ask. Let’s try neutral or accepting first. In my experience, being positive didn’t equal more energy. I still have days where I feel half alive, struggling to stay awake or focus on anything, but, it’s looking up because it’s very slowly getting better.
At a turtle pace.
Very slowly.
So let’s be patient and remember I need rest.
My body needs more rest.
It will let us know when she is better.
One thing I’ve been grappling with is acceptance. How do I accept these new limits when my heart and mind yearn to do so much? Finding peace in the slower moments. Finding magic in the stillness. Trying to accept and welcome slowness. As I am a human be-ing , not a human do-ing. :)
And that is all I have to say about my recent fall.
I’d love to hear your stories or comments to!
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Xoxo
Bailee
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