Self care is hard for me. First it’s hard to motivate myself when I feel down and off. But also, it’s hard to know that it is doing anything at all. I had a very hard day- so I took a nap, went for a walk & did yoga. It did work a little bit, but this lingering sadness is stubborn and wants to be seen. I hold her. I ask my heart what she needs. She yearns to be seen and held and to slow. But the demands of work and children are my reality, so I try to find nuggets of peace; but the tears are swelling and I can’t figure out why.
It’s a Libra new moon solar eclipse tomorrow (10/2/24) and the energies are asking us to harmonize our present by releasing the past and settling into our new normal- as a way to ensure the future is paved with a different path than the past. This tracks in my life greatly. I have recently gone back to work full time and am slowly loosening the grip of my small business. Working on letting go of the need to be busy. Trying to let go of my healing business is hard for me, but I understand the assignment. The universe has planted it in my heart that during this phase of my life I must move slowly and be present. I cannot do that while holding down a full time job and a healing business with a home to run, three beautiful children, two dogs and a desire to stay close with my friends. Before you tell me to leave the bank, I will make it clear- I am not yet ready to let go of my full time job, so the healing work must take a pause. There are more reasons tho, more intimate details as to why my heart is choosing to release my healing work for the time being. My body needs to be protected. My body wants to focus on itself. I have my own healing work to do and I struggle with grounding myself . I often leave healing sessions feeling depleted and drained with a nagging whisper that I need to be more of a hermit right now. This hasn’t always been the case, as Reiki once filled my bucket. But this new phase in my life has caused everything to shift and transform and it’s very confusing. But I do know this with every ounce of my soul, Spirit has told me it is time to take a break and to slow down. It is time to focus on me. Once my children are older, I can always throw myself back into helping others heal again. But for now, they deserve my energy and attention. For they won’t be young forever. This transition is confusing and hard. I’m not ready to let go of everything tho. Tarot fills my heart. Sound healing heals me while I play and leaves me feeling rejuvenated. Helping others makes my heart sing. So, I am trying to find the perfect formula and schedule. Trying to keep some offerings and let go of most of them. Trying not to cling, but to let it flow. I am reevaluating daily and using my body as a compass to guide me when determining if I should host an event or not. I’m not quite ready to let it all go. It hurts letting it go.
I am letting go of the need to be busy.
The need to go go go
The need to please
The need to focus on others first
The need to over achieve
The need to struggle
The need to be overly productive
The need to always have plans
I desire to be present
To be spontaneous
To let myself flow with whatever the day may bring
To allow ease in my life
To do more of what makes me smile and laugh
To dance more
To connect with others more
To put myself first
To learn how to chill and relax
To please myself over others
To do the “bare minimum” productivity wise
To let plans come to me
To have more time for my family
To have more energy for my children
To have more wisdom to help others
To spend time with soul friends
The transition from what I’m letting go to what I desire is harder than I imagined. I’m determined to teach this old dog (me) new tricks (new habits and ways of being). But this old dog is struggling. Clinging to the old ways of life. Confused by the slowness. Feeling sadness and grief in the in between. Wondering if I’m doing it all wrong. Worried it seems like I’m giving up, or that I’m making the wrong choices. There’s a fearful sting in the quiet, in the pause, in the slow. My old ways of being determined my worth and now that I’m moving slower, I’m not sure how to evaluate my worth or productivity.
I’m feeling lost in the transition.
Grieving the old ways and all that I have achieved.
My life looks so different now than what I thought it would be
Getting sick was my body screaming and I’m listening now, but I’m scared of this new path.
Struggling to accept that I have limited energy.
Worried that I’ll fall behind
Scared that I won’t ever learn how to “relax” or enjoy the slowness.
Let’s be real, the slowness fucking terrifies me. I feel stuck with myself and unsure of what to do with myself.
But I’m just observing these fears and emotions. Trying not to let them take over. Witnessing the struggle and telling myself I am safe and listening to my intuition will never lead me astray.
My identity is changing.
My heart is softening
My mind is panicking
My body is soaking up the rest and in turn, needing more rest (severely annoying as I want it to be done resting 😂)
My soul is congratulating me and leaping with joy.
I know I just need to keep putting one foot forward.
But I pray, every night and day, for some glimmers that will light the path. Praying for signs that I’m doing it right. Praying for external validation to help me along my way. Praying for it to be easier. I know healing doesn’t have to be a struggle, but my nervous system hasn’t caught on yet.
This is a rambling of my current state and I will end here, with my tired heart. Hoping that someone needed to hear this because that would make it all worth it.
Sending you love, wherever you are on your journey. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and always listen to your heart.❤️
Xoxo
Bailee
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